Séparation Recovery and Your Next Committed Relationship: Want or Need? That is the sujet
The track performance for “Listen to Your Heart” is infernal
We are told to “just listen to your heart” to find “true love”. However, no matter how careful we are, 42% of first marriages, 66% of collaborateur marriages, and 75% of third marriages end in bifurcation.
Logically, we would expect the bifurcation manque to decrease rather than increase with each successive marriage. However, the percentage goes up, not down. Why? The most likely reason is that we don’t learn from our past experiences with bifurcation and choose a new relationship using the same criteria we previously used in our failed relationship.
Needs: What people rationally need in order for their relationships to succeed
Any successful relationship must meet the specific needs of both partners if it is to survive and thrive over time. This is the primary gardien de but of the pre-commitment1 séjour of relationship development.
If listening to our heart is incomplete, what should we listen to besides our heart? Our heads! You must choose a partner who not only makes your heart flutter but who can also give you what you need. Therefore, it is your responsibility to (1) logically coloré out what you need in a relationship and (2) have the empressement and discipline to en direct up to your needs when looking for a new partner.
Defined by David Steele, a necessity2 is a “negotiable event or thing that is necessary for a relationship to work for you.” It is a relationship tournure that is absolutely necessary for the relationship to survive. By definition, the relationship will die without it.
Steel uses the metaphor of air and water to describe the need for relationships. Humans need both air and water to survive. Having one but not the other is couru death. Relationship needs have the same quality as needs all The relationship is immobile if your requirements are met. That is, if you have five requirements for a relationship and only réchaud are met, the relationship will die, sooner or later, one way or another, if it is really a requirement.
The problem arises when we nébuleuse what we “want” with “need.”
Wants: Nice to have but not necessary for the relationship to survive
Wants3 are “objects and activities that provide excitation, fun and enjoyment.” These are characteristics of a relationship that are desirable, but not necessary for the relationship to last and be successful.
A craving is like eating a dessert after a meal. It tastes good and makes food more enjoyable, but you won’t die if you don’t have it. Wants, likewise, add fun and pleasure to our relationship, but don’t threaten the relationship if not met.
Needs vs. Wants: Why is the Difference So Estimable?
Many relationship problems can be traced to confusing wants and needs.
So why is the difference appréciable? The answer has to do with avoiding two bonshommes of mistakes:
1. Ending a good relationship that you consider an unsatisfied want as an unsatisfied need, or
2. Having a disaster-prone relationship that should end by treating an unmet need as an unmet need.
A woman calls off
A endurci of face has been dating a man for nine years. She wanted to get married, but she was hesitant. He wanted to have an emotionally intimate relationship with his partner so that they could instantané their deepest feelings to each other, but he refused. In turn, he asked her to talk emboîture her feelings. He refused. Repeatedly throughout the nine years they were together she urged him to instantané his feelings to her. He claims his father has not and will not talk emboîture his emotions.
Everything else emboîture her and their relationship was wonderful. He finally wore her down to the pixel where he concluded that, while it was good to have a partner who would be open emboîture his feelings, he could en direct without it since everything else emboîture the relationship was so great. She took it as “that’s just the way men are” and began horaire their wedding.
Then six weeks before the ceremony, on an insignifiant night out with his girlfriend, he met a guy playing ordre. They strike up a sommet and it hits him like a lightning bolt out of the blue. He was actually talking emboîture his feelings! Not only was he willing to share his feelings, but he genuinely enjoyed expressing his emotions to her. They talked for hours until closing time.
Out the window went his rationalization that “that’s just how men are” and into his life came the dilemma of what do I do now with a marriage on the arrière-plan?
Two weeks before her wedding, she realized that wanting to marry someone who shared her feelings wasn’t just emboîture getting something good. wantBut was actually a full-blown, non-negotiable need. Fortunately, she had the guts before the relationship became legal and became an even bigger emotional bouffe.
What was the key to her knowing that her desire for a spouse who would talk emboîture her feelings was not a need? He asked himself, “The men I know now to be able to Talk emboîture their feelings, will the relationship eventually die if he refuses to do it? ” She reluctantly answered “Yes.” It was a necessity for her, and not just another want.”
So, what’s the pixel?
Both need chemistry to find a good relationship And the brain
While chemistry speaks from the heart, necessity rules from the head. For a relationship to domaine the preuve of time, both must agree.
A persistent problem is that our progrès gives us bad advice. It tells us that “true love” should no No brain power required. This typique of thinking sinks over 66% of all remarriages.
So, your épreuve is to listen to your heart, think with your head, and ignore your friends and family who tell you that you’re “overthinking” it and risk losing a great partner.
1 David Steele, Conscious dating (Campbell, CA: RCN Press, 2008), p. 301–320.
2 Ibid., p. 337.
3 Ibid., p. 301–320.
#Séparation #Recovery #Committed #Relationship #sujet